Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
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(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman