*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
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interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Attacked by a mop.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.