I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
You Might Also Like
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Batman v Dracula
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.