[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
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Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Who needs an Air Fryer?
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking