There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
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Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
good work, detective
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either