Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
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There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.