You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
This is my pinned tweet
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.