doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
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My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.