Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
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My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me