I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
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me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
never forget
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore