I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
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Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.