you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
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There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer