ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
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This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂