Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
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eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*