me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
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Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Netflix and you sit over there.