Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
You Might Also Like
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?