the short answer to this question
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*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.