My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
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Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.