Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
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Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I’m so full I could puke a horse
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers