You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
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You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Said the murderer.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.