Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
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Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
getting groceries
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.