She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
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If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
God, I love Scotland
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us