I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
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My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now