You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
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‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.