Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
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Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.