*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
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I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Meanwhile in Canada…
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*