We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
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HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”