Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
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Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
God, I love Scotland
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Dune (2021)
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?