Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman