Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
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Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.