I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
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Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
🤣😂🤣
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.