Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
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corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
We all have our pet causes.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Never ghost your hitman.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case