NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”