6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.