3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
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living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Print is alive and well!!!
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh