They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
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I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
man: wait
time: no
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”