Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
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Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
still the best tweet of the year by far
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
english majors be like furthermore
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …