Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
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I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.