Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
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“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I occasionally drink every single night.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.