I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
You Might Also Like
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Lmao
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.