my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
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Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.