Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
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“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Who’s your best friend?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Its a hippotatomus
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.