I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
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I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Just why bro?!
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.