Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭