Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
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“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Don’t we all.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”