Penguins walking in 5x speed
You Might Also Like
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”