[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
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*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
What is going on? 😅
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!