Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
You Might Also Like
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.