Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
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GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Pretty much! 😂👀
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Bike for sale
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »