if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
…..pretty much.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY